The Onion, America’s Finest News Source, announced today that it had recruited Silicon Valley’s top minds to launch its first-ever digital networking platform, Onion Social. Rather than allow 2.2 billion spineless, slobbering idiots to continue debasing themselves on morally perverse technologies such as Facebook and Twitter, America’s Finest News Source will pivot its digital strategy to create the first flawless, utopian social network. Sign up here.
Onion Social, founded by 15-year-old CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum in his dorm room at MIT, was created to help the online world forge deep, human connections without the burdensome shackles that plague competitors, such as censorship, fake news, and international embezzlement laws. Whether users are customizing their profile with the crest of a hate group, uploading questionable pornography to a friend’s wall, or reading all 262 years of America’s Finest News Source, everything is allowed on Onion Social, and furthermore, encouraged.
Beginning June 18, 2018, The Onion welcomes the mewling masses to register their accounts on OnionSocial.com, so long as they provide their email, Social Security number, bank routing information, and STI results. Over the course of the weeks that follow, those who pass Onion Social’s intrusive background checks will be allowed to test a number of unique beta components, including a radicalization feature for connecting with like-minded extremists, custom emojis that show every aspect of human pain, and a dox button for publishing the home addresses of users’ enemies. Check out this Onion Social FAQ for more.
When Onion Social’s first prototype was created just five years ago, the small, red-haired boy who coded the site likely could never have dreamed that his hobby would blossom into a social network capable of revolutionizing the fundamental ways humans interact, or be purchased by America’s Finest News Source. But he, and The Onion, have done so much more. Needless to say, when future generations look back on humanity, they will view Onion Social’s launch day as the Year Zero from which time truly began.
For more information on the launch of The Onion’s unparalleled worldwide social network, Onion Social, or to request interviews, email email@example.com.