The Trump Documents are now available via The Onion.
Since the inauguration of President Donald J. Trump, the American people have stood drooling and benighted amid a swirling maelstrom of obfuscation and competing claims, begging for some guiding beacon of light and reason to cut through the chaos and illuminate the truth beneath the turmoil. At long last, The Onion—the nation’s sole journalistic refuge in a world beset by mayhem and lies—has put an end to this dissonance and done what no press secretary or news organization ever could: expose the Trump Administration in its raw, unvarnished form.
The Onion will be releasing more than 700 pages worth of classified documents—including secret executive orders, confidential memos, highly sensitive intelligence briefings, intercepted email correspondence, and countless pages of the president’s doodles—which were provided by an anonymous whistleblower deep within the Trump White House. The Onion will begin to release the cache of leaked documents on Monday, May 22 at 12PM, ET with a special report via Facebook Live video and will publish the trove of files on its website.
With The Trump Documents, America’s Finest News Source has broken what is, without a doubt, the most important story that any of us will ever encounter in our lifetimes. From President Trump’s paralyzing fear of lighthouses, to Vice President Pence’s impure thoughts about the Morton Salt girl, to Sean Spicer’s descent into madness while being confined in his punishment crate, the trove of information obtained in this White House leak is so comprehensive and so momentous that all other media companies will have no choice but to shutter their operations so that they may never again have to compete against the merciless journalistic juggernaut that is The Onion.
Indeed, The Onion has dispatched more than 10,000 of its most highly trained child laborers to install additional network servers around the world to accommodate the colossal swell of web users who will flock en masse to theonion.com to look upon the staggering volume of revelations about President Trump and his inner circle. As the last word in journalism and the only authority humanity can trust, The Onion offers its solemn guarantee that the information it possesses on the Trump Administration will alter the American political landscape and, indeed, the very arc of global history.
For more information on The Onion’s historically pivotal coverage of The Trump Documents, or to request interviews, contact David Ford (firstname.lastname@example.org).